deep thoughts..not for the faint of heart

every time i think i can hold my head up high again and move on......it creeps back in like a black shadow i'd forgotten i had. Every time i think i can be happy....the pain is all that fills my head... Every time i think i can truly move on...........i feel it all over again.....every time i say that it is all going to be ok.....i scream out loud because it feels any thing but ok.


One conversation can turn in to a dark memory i thought had long sense left me....a memory i had tried so hard to forget. I once more feel the pain. The sickness flows threw me like a slow fever. i can feel it slowly fill threw my whole body. It starts at my head, works into my shoulders then down my spine into my stomach floods down my legs till my toes are now numb too. all of me feels dead, yet i am breathing. yes i am breathing. i am breathing slow and then fast and then not at all...speeding up again now i cant breathe again its a wild roller coaster ride of pain. I begin to remember what i thought had long left me....a memory i had tried so hard to forget. The disgust beings to set in...i feel sick to my stomach but i know i can not move. i am frozen again just like i was back then and nothing can take me away. I feel the burn i feel the pain i feel the release and threw all the beating all the restraint its the release that hurts the most. The bruises can heal the words forgotten the force with stood...but the release i can not forget the release makes me ill every time, it makes me scream, makes every inch of me scream, makes my skin crawl and burn like the furious blaze of the sun. i wish to leave to escape my own skin, i want this all to just fade away but the memory floods back every time, something i thought had long sense left me...a memory i had tired so hard to forget...i can not forget.

moving back to michigan

im so home sick i think it might literally be making me sick! i want to be around my family i want to see my friends. It kills me that the one place i just wanted to sooooo badly to run from, i find my self wanting to run back to it. I even miss the town WTH i hated that place.... but now that old scares have healed (for the most part) i can look at life from another perspective. It drives me nuts that our familys live so far apart. why cant one thing in life just be easy ahh. you ever feel like you made a big mistake and you dont want to take it back because some good did come from it but god if u only knew then what you know now....how do i move past that feeling? how do i get past the mistakes of my past to look towards the right choice for my future. why cant people just be who they said they were....thats probably random but it makes sense in my head.....idk what to do theres soo many ? in my head and my heart goes one way n my head goes another... no easy choice so this might get painful....

so.....i wrote this big long thing on my pc and now....i cant copy it to here......AH! i guess i should type here first n then copy to my pc....geesh! my kid does not know how to play on her own....wish she would.. So i keep thinking...im sick of thinking lol no really i hate ...see i hate... i hate a lot yet i hate the word hate...i just wanna be happy!?! ive been happy but i always find a way to flip it so every thing is horrible! y? cuz then i will never be unhappy when my life becomes unhappy because i will always be unhappy......WHAT THE HELL! that doesnt make sense... Heres what i think...to hell with the past to hell with the future im here. now...may 14th...22 years old married with a beautiful daughter... whats missing in my life? true happiness in the form of friends and good times. I dont want to be limited to these four walls. So moving to mi? move back to michigan the very place i spent so many years running from? maybe! why maybe? because i do not know yet. I want my future to come as it will. i will not worry about it and no longer will i live in the past or in fear of the past resurrecting its self in my today! I cant stop it i cant change it so why waist time on it? No more thats it....no more negative thinking no more negative living... how do i implement this....hell if i know but im gunna try and if i fail well oh well. You know what i focus way to much of my time on the WHAT IF?!?! so WHY NOT is my new look... why cant i do or be any thing? WHO has to live my life? hm....hmmm???? ME thats who so why am i letting every one else make all the decisions in my life? hell if i know but not any more... im making up my mind and im doing what at the end of the day makes my heart feel complete!