deep thoughts..not for the faint of heart

every time i think i can hold my head up high again and move on......it creeps back in like a black shadow i'd forgotten i had. Every time i think i can be happy....the pain is all that fills my head... Every time i think i can truly move on...........i feel it all over again.....every time i say that it is all going to be ok.....i scream out loud because it feels any thing but ok.


One conversation can turn in to a dark memory i thought had long sense left me....a memory i had tried so hard to forget. I once more feel the pain. The sickness flows threw me like a slow fever. i can feel it slowly fill threw my whole body. It starts at my head, works into my shoulders then down my spine into my stomach floods down my legs till my toes are now numb too. all of me feels dead, yet i am breathing. yes i am breathing. i am breathing slow and then fast and then not at all...speeding up again now i cant breathe again its a wild roller coaster ride of pain. I begin to remember what i thought had long left me....a memory i had tried so hard to forget. The disgust beings to set in...i feel sick to my stomach but i know i can not move. i am frozen again just like i was back then and nothing can take me away. I feel the burn i feel the pain i feel the release and threw all the beating all the restraint its the release that hurts the most. The bruises can heal the words forgotten the force with stood...but the release i can not forget the release makes me ill every time, it makes me scream, makes every inch of me scream, makes my skin crawl and burn like the furious blaze of the sun. i wish to leave to escape my own skin, i want this all to just fade away but the memory floods back every time, something i thought had long sense left me...a memory i had tired so hard to forget...i can not forget.