deep thoughts..not for the faint of heart

every time i think i can hold my head up high again and move on......it creeps back in like a black shadow i'd forgotten i had. Every time i think i can be happy....the pain is all that fills my head... Every time i think i can truly move on...........i feel it all over again.....every time i say that it is all going to be ok.....i scream out loud because it feels any thing but ok.


One conversation can turn in to a dark memory i thought had long sense left me....a memory i had tried so hard to forget. I once more feel the pain. The sickness flows threw me like a slow fever. i can feel it slowly fill threw my whole body. It starts at my head, works into my shoulders then down my spine into my stomach floods down my legs till my toes are now numb too. all of me feels dead, yet i am breathing. yes i am breathing. i am breathing slow and then fast and then not at all...speeding up again now i cant breathe again its a wild roller coaster ride of pain. I begin to remember what i thought had long left me....a memory i had tried so hard to forget. The disgust beings to set in...i feel sick to my stomach but i know i can not move. i am frozen again just like i was back then and nothing can take me away. I feel the burn i feel the pain i feel the release and threw all the beating all the restraint its the release that hurts the most. The bruises can heal the words forgotten the force with stood...but the release i can not forget the release makes me ill every time, it makes me scream, makes every inch of me scream, makes my skin crawl and burn like the furious blaze of the sun. i wish to leave to escape my own skin, i want this all to just fade away but the memory floods back every time, something i thought had long sense left me...a memory i had tired so hard to forget...i can not forget.

moving back to michigan

im so home sick i think it might literally be making me sick! i want to be around my family i want to see my friends. It kills me that the one place i just wanted to sooooo badly to run from, i find my self wanting to run back to it. I even miss the town WTH i hated that place.... but now that old scares have healed (for the most part) i can look at life from another perspective. It drives me nuts that our familys live so far apart. why cant one thing in life just be easy ahh. you ever feel like you made a big mistake and you dont want to take it back because some good did come from it but god if u only knew then what you know now....how do i move past that feeling? how do i get past the mistakes of my past to look towards the right choice for my future. why cant people just be who they said they were....thats probably random but it makes sense in my head.....idk what to do theres soo many ? in my head and my heart goes one way n my head goes another... no easy choice so this might get painful....

so.....i wrote this big long thing on my pc and now....i cant copy it to here......AH! i guess i should type here first n then copy to my pc....geesh! my kid does not know how to play on her own....wish she would.. So i keep thinking...im sick of thinking lol no really i hate ...see i hate... i hate a lot yet i hate the word hate...i just wanna be happy!?! ive been happy but i always find a way to flip it so every thing is horrible! y? cuz then i will never be unhappy when my life becomes unhappy because i will always be unhappy......WHAT THE HELL! that doesnt make sense... Heres what i think...to hell with the past to hell with the future im here. now...may 14th...22 years old married with a beautiful daughter... whats missing in my life? true happiness in the form of friends and good times. I dont want to be limited to these four walls. So moving to mi? move back to michigan the very place i spent so many years running from? maybe! why maybe? because i do not know yet. I want my future to come as it will. i will not worry about it and no longer will i live in the past or in fear of the past resurrecting its self in my today! I cant stop it i cant change it so why waist time on it? No more thats it....no more negative thinking no more negative living... how do i implement this....hell if i know but im gunna try and if i fail well oh well. You know what i focus way to much of my time on the WHAT IF?!?! so WHY NOT is my new look... why cant i do or be any thing? WHO has to live my life? hm....hmmm???? ME thats who so why am i letting every one else make all the decisions in my life? hell if i know but not any more... im making up my mind and im doing what at the end of the day makes my heart feel complete!

life...and stuff

sooo life....wow...its crazy! So we are moving on my bday...yes it sux and yes its crazy, but i have to be out but aug 1st.. where am i moving? back into my mother inlaws house....crazy again...yes.... but this is what happens when life throws piles of shit your way.... am i mad at the world right now...you better believe it... just dont understand it... the beginning of this year every thing looked great his was going to be a great year....we had a nice to new car and extra money and we'd be able to save and wow life was going to be great!!! SMACK!!! fucking shit smacked us right in the face...first pauls wages are going to get garnished....then....car starts falling apart......than paul defiantly getting garnished 200 a month......then.....car needs to engine...WTF......car is fixed ok...well be ok.....then.....car gets stolen....FUCK.....then rent goes up $60....WTF.....now car is back and broken with no money no car losing $200 a month and rents increasing $60....FUCK.... so we are left with a $70 deficit if you will each week...each week ive got $70 dollars more going out then coming in....WTF....and i know what your thinking go get a job but WRONG then my rent goes up another $150 just if i make anything over $100...and whos going to watch my kid.....sooo thus i am moving into my mother inlaws house....is it what i really want....no i want my own house with a pool and a 2010 car in the drive way....am i going to get it....maybe buy 2100.....................just not fair...so many people just get life handed to them while i just get shit flung my way!! WTF did i do....im sorry i know im not perfect but over all ima good person... i just want whats best for my daughter and i know a secure stable home is the answer and this way i can go back to work and save up money.... this is not where i saw my life going and this is not where i want to be and believe me i am working hard to change that... but when youve got nothing an such lil support your whole life its hard to climb outta the shit pile... just wish my life was in a different place.. i dont regret the choices i have made just wish other in the world and in my life made better choices so they didnt affect me soo much....ONTO THE OTHER THING THAT IS PISSING ME OFF....liars....why the freak do you need to lie...please tell me....i mean ive told lil white lies here and there but come on....COME ON....constantly lying and making up stories are you for reall..... i wish my life was that freaking boring I REALLY DO.....cuz drama breaks my door down and you just keep creating your own....really wish i had the guts to tell you to go shove it where the sun dont shine and leave me the hell alone...but no...im nice....i cant be mean soo ill let you drive me crazy for probably the rest of our time together because hey if i havent told my mother off yet(well i did but she didnt really get the hint and i didnt stay away...thats another story) then im not going to.....well then again.....your not my mother....soo.....if i piss you off does it really matter? Hmmm ok than GO WHERE THE SUN DONT SHINE AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE I HAVE MY OWN SHIT TO DEAL WITH AND I DONT NEED YOUR DRAMA OR LIES OR JUST PLAIN B/S BECAUSE NO ONE FREAKING JUST HANDS ME SHIT I HAVE TO WORK FOR WHAT IVE GOT AND SORRY IF YOU DONT LIKE IT, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK ANY MORE, YOU JUST KEEP PUTTING ME DOWN AND MAKING YOUR SELF LOOK SO GREAT WHEN YOUR NOT...AGAIN STOP LYING ITS GETTING SOOOOO OLD... YOUVE ALWAYS PUT YOUR SELF FIRST YOUR NOT A GOOD PERSON AND IM SORRY BUT WE HAVE NEVER BEEN BEST FRIENDS I JUST FELT SORRY FOR YOU AND YOU KNOW WHAT I WISH I WOULDA NEVER FREAKING MET YOU OR AT LEAST I WOULDA RAN FAR FAR AWAY FROM YOU WHEN I FOUND OUT WHAT KINDA PERSON YOU REALLY ARE . HONESTLY I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN JUST GROW THE FUCK UP CUZ YOUR KIDS NEED YOU!! there i think thats all, ok i feel better good night!!!!

how do u

how do you mend a broken heart how do you dry the tears when they wont stop falling. how do you move forward when your only looking back.

still waiting

still waiting to find out the out come to my life.. its a really big cliff hanger that's got me nervous.. my stomach is twisted into knots and im not sure how this all is going to go. God grant me patience's please, and please lord lead me guide me show me the way cuz i am so lost and so affraid... be with my lord now i pray help me make it threw another day! Amen.

two types of people in this world

I’ve come to believe that there are two types of people in this world. God like and Devil life.
The God like people, one normally believe in God, but maybe not all. They truly feel peoples pain, within their own souls they hurt for the pain of people who have lost, lost loved ones, lost homes, even lost their sense of self. They care, they care how they could make this world better, they care about what they say or do to other people. They help out when ever they can, where they are needed, without much complaint. They are God’s people. Then there’s the devil like people, these people normally to not believe in God, but again maybe some do. These people find pleasure in other peoples pain. They truly hope for others sorrow because at least it makes them better (in there eyes obviously this is not the case). Some are competitive for the “who’s got it worse game” which really should not be a game, because if you ask me, who really wants their life to be any worse than any one else’s? They don’t care what happens around them, like natural disasters, because hey at least it wasn’t them. They think the world owes them something and therefore they don’t have to do anything because life should just hand it to them. They think that when others get something good its no fair because they deserve it more than any one else. These are devil like people.
Now also I’ve come to believe that not all people are bad, but no all are good. It would be truly hard for us as simple humans to always be God like, because I know some of us try our best but we still fall into the devils side now and again. However I do believe that we each have our own personalities that either mainly stem from being Godly or Devilish. This doesn’t mean the angel can’t be the demon and the demon can’t repent to be an angel, God forgives! But think about it are you more out for you or do you care about other‘s, genuinely care? Would you give a freezing person the shirt off your back, risking that you may now freeze or would you simply say I’m sorry walk away thinking your glad your not the one freezing. Its up to you how you want to be, but know that there’s always time for a change.